self harming

[asilaparapet]

I gave in and cut my wrist. I didn't mean to, but...

I looked for my drawing pad and pencils, I couldn't find them in all the boxes.

So I tried taking the dogs for walks but they were too tired and I didn't want to force them. Matt looked so exhausted.

So I finally I tried reaching out. Something I never thought I could do. Or would.

I went to momma's and text AP, they didn't answer. I didn't want to bother Stacy in case I woke the baby or she had something important to do. That sounds stupid saying 'I'm less important' but I don't want to be a burden on anyone.

I also tried to text Reese but when he went back to his boyfriend he said he'd be busy and might not be able to text and stuff. I didn't even know if he'd have a phone.

I didn't want anyone to drop anything for me.

Maybe I didn't want anyone to see me weak. My dad always told me to buck up and to be strong.

When I spoke to Leo he said I was weak and pathetic, he was right but he told me otherwise. He said he was sorry and took it all back. But he was right.

I could have done more. I didn't do enough.

I could talked to someone. Not let my dad's stupid pride be my own.

To let people in and see me vulnerable.

To let them know me.

But I can't even do that, They're all right I am pathetic.

So I've made a plan to change, to not be HIM. To be me. To let people in and help me.

I'm gonna tell everyone about cutting and ask can I call them if I need them. Hopefully they'll say yes. Leo said they would. But Im not use to people wanting to help. I'm not use to people wanting to be my friend.

But im gonna try. If I get hurt. At least I'll still have Leo. He promised he wasn't going anywere.

And I believe him.